What do you mean?

How old are you now? Me? I turned 23 last June.
   Really? So how's it feel being an adult? My feeling, you say? Urm, nothing much changed. Just doing the same old thing, managing same old stuff.
     Oh? What you doing now? Urm..I'm working.
What? Where? I thought you said you wanted to further studies? Shhh..that's just between you and me. Lets just say I've lost interest to continue studying.
           Uhhm thats sad.. What's sad? Me? I dont feel sad. In fact I feel completely happy with my choice. With my life now.
             Well are you? I am. Truly I am happy now.

What's with that expression? Uhh sorry, I just don't take you as a person who can be satisfied with only having this, and not getting what you really wanted.
      Well, guess you're wrong. I guess I am..
                  I mean, you're wrong in terms of perceiving what is it that I really wanted. Oh? What do you mean? I've known you for ages. During that period you've been telling me about your dream of studying until you get the highest recognition from everyone.
          I did huh? Yes. You did. So what happen now?

I guess I lied. *laugh* What? You lied about wanting to further studies? That doesnt make any sense.
     It doesnt. But I'm not talking about furthering studies anymore now. I'm talking about lying to your question just now. What? What are you saying exactly? Which question?

I'm sorry I lied to you before. I guess being and adult did change me a lot *smile*


DBT, 18/12/13, 9.58 pm
signing off.

Behind the clouds, there's always the sun

It's a cloudy day. Then slowly the rain starts to pour. You're getting ready to get off to work. Clothes has been ironed, shoes are clean, then when you walked outside the waters soaked your clothes. Your clean shoes picking up dirts. You starting to curse silently. Hating the rain, hating the weather. People walked past by you, you give them a glare. You're hating everyone.

It was supposed to be a normal day. A usual walk to your work place. But then when the rain started falling down, it changes everything.

Walking down the road, under the broken umbrella, you started to think how much unfortunate can this day become when a speeding car splashes a whole bucket of water towards you. This time you cursed very loudly. You yelled at the driver, but because it was blurry and noisy due to the weather, not even one soul stopped to care. Not even the speeding driver.

You're now drenched in wet. You're started to cry. You thought to yourself how your prediction was right. How this is really not your day. You were supposed to reach office by five minutes, but because of the rain, because of all the unfortunate events the rain "had" caused, you're going to be yelled by your boss too. You hated the rain so much, for what it had caused you, to the point of you yelling at the sky, angrily. Blaming everything on the rain, on the stupid weather, said you.

Then suddenly a boy reached out for your hand. Opening your palms, he put on it a flower. A real one, not a plastic flower you often find at your office, or even your house. That boy then gives you a sweet, pure smile, telling you not to be mad, because it will make your face looks less prettier. You accepted the flower, hold it in your hand, while staring at the strange boy with a perplexed look for the longest period of time before he finally walked away, leaving you alone.

The rain still pours heavily. A lot of puddles were formed on the road. You reached the office so late you were scolded big time by the boss.

But at the end of the day, a flower blooms beautifully in a vase on your table. And looking up the mirror, you can see a beautiful smile plastering all over a beautiful face.

"Thank you, boy. It's not so bad a day after all."

The End.

"It's not about how life treating you. It's about how you treated your life"
@ copyrights DBT Dec 2013
11.28 pm
signing off.


I open my eyes everyday with the same feeling I had with me the other day. Dont you think it's such a wonder? We drift off to sleep every night, not knowing, sometimes not even care, if we would be able to wake up again and see the light of the new day. We have been living like this for so many years that we're now taking our own lives just for granted.

Life is a bless. So does being able to breathe, to pump up blood and oxygen, to eat, to move our limbs, to act involuntarily, and to function normally.

I remember when I used to walk along the road of Masjid Jamek. Seeing the incapable, the blinds, the amputees, trying to meet their ends meet. It was saddening. Although they looked okay, but not for us, the ables. We tend to think how awful their lives must have been. Imagined not being able to see, to hear, to talk, or to use our limbs properly. We empathized with them. But was that enough? We then gave them the cheapest note from our purse, hoping that would make their lives for that day ended better, but in all honesty, what did we knew? We left the road, feeling proud with our own conscience and good deed, but how about their own feelings? At the end of the day, we're all still strangers.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein

All of our lives we have wanted so many things. We see others own something that we don't have. We grew jealousy. And it is in the nature of human being to wanted to achieve equality with the others. That is why certain ideologies that promoted equality for every man kinds erupted and influenced a great number of people before. The idea seems noble and legit. But only for he who is driven by greed. There is not one worthwhile idea if it doesn't comes from Al-Quran and As-Sunnah. Rasulullah clearly stated this in his last khutbah. As long as we depends everything on both of them, we will be lead to a straight path.

"We were born to lead. To be khilafah on His earth. To spread da'wah. To live in Deen."

Life offers us with great opportunities. Often so many that we were not able to catch up. But have you yet realized what the greatest opportunity is out there? The one that we should have grabbed at instant. It took me some times to figure it out.

It is the opportunity to serve, my friend, most and foremostly, to HIM. He owns you. He owns us. He owns everything. With that said, who in their right mind would not want to become closer to him? "Don't ever let ourselves become strangers with our own creator." Points to ponder.


kerana kitaran itu..

somebody had scored a medical check up appointment for a job that she havent yet secured.

somebody had to go to the panel clinic tomorrow to perform the medical check up.

but guess who had to cancel the whole appointment tomorrow?

and because of what?

because she is a woman, and was damn grateful for it.

lol. this whole situation is so drama like. her life is a drama! (^v^) HAHAHA

p/s : for those who still havent a clue, here's a point to ponder. "medical check up included urine test."


The Curious Case of


have you ever experienced any sickness that is difficult for you to explain? of course, every sickness sometimes can only be explained by specialties, but what i'm trying to point out here is the kind of a very strange, not-your-everyday stuffs sickness that happens to you without you knowing it.

like having a very excruciating pain around your wrist thus preventing you from being able to do anything with your hand, or even, to lift it up? like what happened to me last week?

if you do, then you're part of this case. it's not actually that fascinating, this case. but since i experienced it first hand, i became very curious about it and had tried to research it as much as i can.

so here goes :

one day i felt my wrist was sore. thought that maybe it was just a normal pain i get from doing chores on daily basis i just shake it off, feeling confident that it wont last long. but after a few days, the pain got worse that it woke me up from sleep one night. i thought i slept weird so i just brought my hand on  my stomach to sleep. but the next morning when i woke up for prayer i felt the pain was so intensified that i had to tell my mom. she applied some ointment around the painful area and wondered what did i do to get that kind of a sore wrist. to be honest, i also cannot remember. i never experienced a pain so excruciating like this i told my mom i thought maybe i had fractured my wrist or worse, broken it. but it doesnt feel like broken (though i never experienced breaking bones before). it felt more like my arteries are swollen and inflamed, however when you look at it from any directions there is not even one sign of inflammation. well, of course i was talking about the famous cardinal signs. though there is pain, but you cannot see any redness, any swelling and i dont feel hotness around that area.

when we're about to go to the clinic, my mom suddenly had an idea about what causes this phenomenon. she said she'd experienced this kind of a symptom before, it is called GAS. well, being a biomedical science major, i know gas pain only occurred at the stomach, caused by acid reflux in the stomach, and they are the causes of stomach ache and heartburn. but never did i ever knew that it could happen at other body area.

so i googled for information and there it is, i read some cases about people who had experienced an equal symptoms like mine and they were caused by gas. apparently there are a lot of nerve endings in our stomach and thus gas can travel through it and cause pain elsewhere in the body. fascinating right?

so, how do you cure the pain? naturally, when having gas in the stomach people would burp to release it, but when it involves other parts of the body, i guess different approaches have to be used. as for me, i take some gas pills called POVIL, an antacid tablets that works by neutralising the acids in the stomach, and after a day, all thanks to Allah, the pain slowly started to subside and i can fully use my hand again at the end of the day.

so, to summarize this all up, human body is very mysterious, dont you think? with a little bit of outside changes can cause your body to react differently. well, that is cause we were built perfectly by our creator. there's a reason for every single thing. therefore we should never dare not to forget that all pain, all cure, all difficulties and happiness, they all come from Allah. so whenever you're sick, dont only seek medication for your pain comfort, but remember to seek for his help and blessings too for a comfort of your heart and soul and for He is The One that causes EVERYTHING to happens.

why this sudden post? well, first of all because i admitted that i had turned my heart away from Him slightly these past few days because i was frustrated. and i realized my khilaf now.
second of all, is because i missed blogging (or ranting, actually) so very much! blogging had been my second hobby after all before, so i just thought right now (since i have nothing else important to do a.k.a is still very much jobless) would be the perfect time to come back as a fresh blogger! way to go me. hehe

and, as a closure, if anyone ever feel interested to learn more about (this sounds very corny!) gas, feel free to click on this link here http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gas/

it's not too late to say happy eid mubarak right? still got 3 days left. have a good one people :)

harga RON95 (gas) naik 20 sen. surely is a pain in the gas right? ha ha ha syukurlah. empat tahun lagi undilah mereka lagi. ha ha ha pasti naik 40 sen pulak. ha ha ha

after hour's rant

cari kerja. cari kerja. celik mata ja cari kerja (a bit exaggerating there) but that's how my life rolls these days. before graduating, to be honest, i dont give a f*** about finding myself a job. thought of giving myself a months or two at home, relaxing all day (basically means doing nothing all day) then off to find a job, get a job, get my paycheck, buy a car and get married. oh my model life.

but who the f*** would have known that finding a job would be this f***ing difficult? LOL.

few of a friend encouraged me to pursue with Msc. but how the f*** would i be able to if the pocket aint got no money? heck, i dont even have the money to apply. and what's the deal of charging own Malaysian citizens with application fees in order to apply for Msc at their place? f***ing beurocrats. f***ing politics.

i went for an interview last time. they said if i get the job they will call in 2 weeks. it's been 3 weeks now. no calls. guess i've blown that job off. what a pity. thought i could make some real money from there.

i know this post aint pretty. i've been using a lot of profanity and very unpretty words in my post lately (lately?? i dont recall updating anything recently?). i think ageing did that to me.

good lord. i'm getting older. single. and unemployed. there, my perfect model life.


What's Next???


Oh boy. a lot of things has been going on in my life lately. but most and foremost is.. I have officially completed my degree!!! yayy!! who knows man? who knows? i mean like seriously. it feels like only yesterday i was going to lab and conducting lab works, mintak barang dari puan azmira, terkejar-kejar nak buat labwork sebab tak nak miss lunch time (eating is a compulsory activity no matter how busy i would become), bunuh tikus, tarik paru-paru tikus, homogenate paru-paru tikus and separuh mati make sure takde buat silap bila buat kerja kat lab ppsp time puan ASNIDA hader, sprint up and down naik turun tangge nak pulang kunci lab, buat muka toye (a.k.a carik gaduh) depan budak master everytime masuk lab diorang. GODD. it's been that long alreadyy?? :D who would have belib it?? who knew i could survive??

maann. final year was the toughest period. before this i cant wait to see the day where i finally finished all my lab works, finished presenting my project, finish with viva, and finish submitting my thesis. and now is the time! everything's done! but why am i having this heavy feeling??

two days ago i was fine like an ignorant cat. my mind said what up with the sadness?? its not like we're not going to EVAH see each other again after this? mark invented Facebook. there's intagram and whatnots, so make an effort, and STAY CONNECT!

but that was before, now i was like,


the house was empty and it emits this uneasy vibes. it makes me want to cryyy. sob2..

and everyone's going home already which means i'm the only one left in this freakish empty houseaaah~~


OK. that was very immatured. (geleng kepala). so to speak, now that i'm no longer a student (currently) so what;s the next step? when people asked me, the answer would always be, I DONT KNOW. really. however, it's not like i dont have any real plans or two. i do have. in fact, it has already started. the thing is, why i'm still in the dark is because i dont really know which plan am i going to execute first? my top priority is to make mum happy. and after that comes my necessity. so that's what been bugging me ever since.

it's true like they said. real life is challenging. well, i feel it now. it's challenging alright. you're making decisions every single minute. and that's..considering my inability to make one, is very very very friggin effin TOUGH!

so..really. what's going to happen next? i might still have no idea yet. But HE SURELY DOES. Please Allah, guide me through it :). Amiinnnn

-semoga Allah memberkati kita semua-

sejak menganggur banyak masa nak edit gamba selca sendiri okbai

hormon mengganaihh

kerana aku punya rasa malu..

aku tidak mencarut-carut memaki-maki mengeluarkan kata-kata binasa di twitter setiap kali rasa nak tampor orang..

aku sedor hidup ni bukan revolves around aku je..

ape aku peduli ekau tak pueh hati ngan aku? tak mati la kena kutukk. puihh. dasor hippopotamus. kahkahkah

tak suka orang confront. jangan jadi dayus sembunyik belakang keyboard ye dalila. kahkahkah

#evil side of me#

Impian Saye :)

In Shaa Allah :') Sesungguhnya Dialah yang sebaik-baik perancang. Sebaik-baik penentu. Tunjukkan aku jalan yang terbaik Ya Allah. Semoga dengan hikmahMu hamba ini akan menjadi hamba yang lebih baik. Berjiwa kental. Beriman yang tidak puput. Taqwa pada setiap masa. Dan menjadi hamba yang tidak pernah lupa untuk berasa syukur. Demi agama. Demi dakwah atas jalanMu. Demi RasulMu. Demi kedua ibu bapa,keluargaku, serta umat mukmin keseluruhannya.

Kepada Engkau doa aku panjatkan..aaminn

That morning

He was already in pain. He told me it was too cold he cant bear it. But he continued driving. For me. To make sure i reach there safely.

Pengorbanan terakhir seorang ayah untuk aku. Maka nikmat tuhan yang manakah yang engkau dustakan?

Allahu Allah. Aku terlalu rindukan dia. Aku rindukan ayahku ya Allah...

life after you

Mak jarang nangis. Even on that day, she hardly ever cried. acting strong for us, for her family. but yesterday she let it all out.

Mak : "arwah ayah dapat pekerja terbaik dik. company nak bagi 500. mak tak boleh tahan mak nangis kat telefon"

it hurts so much to hear it. nothing can compare to the feelings of knowing that your mother is sad and yet nothing you can do about it. its not something that my presence could cure. not something that my words could relieve..its a lot more than that..

mak sunyi tapi mak jarang kata apa-apa. mak rindu ayah tapi mak tak pernah nangis depan anak. anak-anak mak tak balik selalu mak tak pernah pun merungut. aku tak pernah bagi mak apa-apa tapi mak tak pernah sekali pun mengungkit.

"losing someone you loved is not something you can get over with. its something that you have to learn to lived with.."

and from that moment I promised myself that I would do anything in my power to give her happiness. with my achievement. my success. my happiness. because she is everything in my world now. she's all I got. she's the reason I'm here. and I will try my best for her. even if it means losing everything else. as long as she would be happy.

as long as she's happy.. nothing else would matters.

Literature review

I can be bad sometimes..

and because I'm bad..

I'm going to tell you something (Hunger Games fans will go berserk)

1. District Twelve were destroyed

2. Peeta Mellark was brainwashed to hate Katniss so much to the point that he would kill her at instant whenever he sees her

3. District Thirteen still existed all this time but the people actually lived under the ground

5. President Swan was murdered

4. Gale left Katniss and become someone important in the military

5. Katniss ended up choosing Peeta. And they live "happily" in their previous homes in the remnants of District Twelve.


6. Prim died.

yeah. kill me :P

p/s : this is the summary a.k.a important highlights from the final two books.

This dirty little secret

Along : "Weh rama orang tanya aku mana taman ni. Dorang nak gi sini gak hewhew"

I told her dont tell. Hewhew. This will be our sacred place. Our dirty little secret. :p

The making of

Malaysian Symposium on Biomedical Sciences. USM Kubang Kerian Kelantan, 11-12 May 2013
Suddenly thinking of presenting my FYP in English =/

Getting numb doing numbers..

Really thought after Pasum's time there would be no more numbers come meddling in my life.

Well, obviously I thought it wrong, no surprise. Hurm..

happy birthday..

Today's the first day of May. to a lot of people, it is a day to be celebrated. because it's labour's day. every workers got a day off today. for us, for me, this also is one special day. very special indeed. because it's his birthday. my father's birthday.

There's this one remark that he used to said everytime this day comes. oh we could never forget that. "bila hari jadi ayah satu Malaysia cuti. satu Malaysia sambut hari jadi ayah." then he would laughed heartily after saying that. those laughter. those smiles, that I rarely could see when I was still very little. 

when the three of us were still very small, ayah is the person whom we're very scared off. back then, in our innocent views, he was this one man who would scolds us even for the slightest mistake. as far as I could remember, I was so scared of him. so scared to even talk directly to him during the early years of my life. but my brother and sister told me otherwise. they said that I was his favourite. that I was always his favorite. in some critical situations where it involved us three getting ourselves into trouble, he would always spared me. favored me, and scolded my brother and sister instead. they told me that occurred often. that I had been his favorite child ever since the day I was born. but back then, since I was still so scared of him, I didnt appreciate it much.

Then this favorite child of his grew up. I went to boarding school to further my secondary education. still remember what my mom told me the first week I was gone from home. "ayah sekarang ni dah kurang ceria. banyak termenung je dik kat rumah. lepas ni adik rajin-rajin telefon rumah tau. ayah asyik tanya mak je budak kecik tak telefon ke? budak kecik bila balik? budak kecik apa khabar?" being an ignorant budak kecik at that time, I still couldnt feel his genuine love for me. I thought oh maybe that's mom's trick to make me call home more often. because during that time, because of the lack of communications, lack of interactions we had had, and because of the rebellious hormone that is growing inside of me, I feel that he never loved me. never really cared for me. I even feel that he hasnt make an effort to act like a father to me. (And I know now, that I was wrong. I was damn wrong about that). being a sulky, spoil brat, selfish teenager, that was what I felt during that time.

but after that, years after years passed..

I didnt actually recall what had happened..what happened in between.. but our relationships grew better. we shared the same interests. we talked about a lot of things..somehow, but unknowingly, he seems more approachable to me then he was when I was still a child. probably because of the maturity I'd gained, or because I realized that there's not much time to waste because I know that day by day, I'm getting older, and so does my parents.

I'd prepared myself for this. for a loss in case it's coming. what's with my mom's accident that occured on the very same week. everything that's been going on during that week made me think of the future losses that I might have to face. I knew it will happen someday. and I remember thinking to myself that if that were to happen when I'm still alive, I would embrace it well. because they are only returning to their Creator. these people, these love of my hearts, were never even mine to begin with. so why I have to be so sad when it does happen? it will only sadden them more, hurt them more, seeing us wailing, crying for them to come back, when we very well know that that aint gonna happen. 


at first I couldnt even cry.

I was the last person who sees him.

who hold him.

who talked to him. his last few words..
were meant for me.

and I was the first to arrive at the mortuary. alone.

to me the doctors told me what causes his being gone.

I was the first one to know. the first one to reach him. and I was alone. 

those are the memories. the feelings that struck me like lightning every once in a while. the memories that I told some people I wanted to forget. to erase forever. 


it fears me a lot. it scared the hell out of me. until now. even now. that one hour of waiting for him to come out, knowing that there's no more of him...nothing could compare to that.

and today is his birthday. he should be saying that favorite sentence of his all over again. but this year he wont. forever he wont.

Al-Fatihah. Tenanglah. Damailah. Berbahagialah ayah di sana. In Shaa Allah, budak kecik dekat sini akan terus berusaha untuk kejar syurga Allah. untuk dapat jumpa dengan ayah semula. cinta ini untuk Allah. rindu ini untuk Allah. cinta untuk ayah ini kerana Allah. rindu pada ayah ini juga kerana Allah :') 

we would always be each other's favorite. always. I love you so much ayah..

I've got crush on you

A silly girl like me live her life getting a new crush every once in a while.

but those silly crushes (since they were silly) are quick to be forgotten.

I met with a new crush, develop feelings for him for a week or so, and then the feelings would just vanished. be gone forever.

but there's this one crush that is hard even for me to ignore. The feeling's are so strong sometimes I do not know how to manage it.

be gone now, Candy Crush!! I need to finish my work lar!

true story!!


buat baik dengan mak sendiri.. ikut cakap mak, kompem hidup berkat..
tapi kalau derhaka kat mak, buat mak sedih, dekat dunia lagi Allah bagi balasan..
dah banyak sangat peristiwa berlaku yang membuktikan benda ni..

contoh terbaru semalam, tengah-tengah buat lab mak mesej mintak topapkan..
since aku tengah buat kerja and kredit pun agak tak cukup aku tak reply pape.

then dalam pukul 3 keluarla nak jumpa ngan akak aku.
sampai tempat meeting kredit habes tak boleh nak msg, nak call akak.
pergi bangunan sebelah (sebuah shopping mall) tengok-tengok semua kedai tutup (bangunan tengah dalam proses renovation)(tapi elok je aku tengok orang ramai keluar masuk bangunan tu, misteri di situ)

tengah desperate gila tak tahu nak buat apa, mesej kawan (kawan 15pax celcom) mintak tolong mesejkan akak.
tapi sebab kawan busy lepas setengah jam tunggu tak de reply pape..

then aku pon kamikaze masuk tempat kitorang supposedly jumpa tu (ramai gilaaaaaa laah ummat!), jelajah carik tempat topap. Alhamdulillah, nasib ada bhai! tapi time tu sumpah desperate gila sampai akak minachi turun tangga lambat pon aku rasa nak maki je. hehe

jumpa akak aku, dia cakap mak tanya aku dah topapkan ke belum?

aku cakap nanti balik aku topapkan. boleh je aku nak topap time tu, tapi kenapa aku tak topapkan ye? kenapa? kenapaa dalilaaa??arghh aku pun tak tawuu!

then sambung hang out gan akak, kitorang gi tempat laen carik makanan. tempat punya la besar tapi tak jumpa langsung makanan. hatta setitis air buat nak mengilangkan dahage.

nampak tak? nampak tak di situ?? sebab kedurjanaan aku tak topapkan untuk mak sendiri, banyak gila dugaan yang aku kena harungi sepanjang panjang hari semalam..

tapi..ajaibnya..(kuasa Allah, memang Allah nak tunjuk) lepas je aku belikan topap untuk mak aku lepas balik tu, benda baik jadi kat aku. aku beli topap lima hingget je. (untuk mak aku seploh hingget) tapi bila aku key in je kod topap tu, tadaaa, balance kredit aku seploh hingget lebeh..

warghh inilah dia kuasa cinta mak aku. :D

so kawan-kawan, kite just nak pesan lar,ehehe. berbuat baiklah sesengguh and seikhlasnya pada mak kite. especially sementara mereka masih ada ni. kasih mak kan membawa ke syurga. moh ramai-ramai kita berebut pilih jalan ke syurga ya. Ammiiin, hee

dont want to lose it

We played a game for fun.

I was asked about the memories that I would choose to forget.

and my answer was, if I could, I wanted to erase the memories of that day. that Friday. that Ramadhan. I chose to forget it because remembering it is painful. too sad. too heartbroken. and I dont want to feel any pain. I dont want to be sad. I dont want to feel heartbroken anymore..

but now when I think about it again..

that memory..it's a thing that puts myself together everytime I feel like splitting away.

it's the thing that reminded me that I have people that I still need to care about, to love with all of my heart, at home... people who I called family. family members that I'd vowed to make them happy no matter what.

this memory..although it's so painful..I realized that I'm not willing to lose it yet.

at least I could show to some people that unlike them, I am brave enough, strong enough to hold onto these memories. that I am willing to go through with the pain..coz letting go of these memories, is one coward act. and I'm not a coward. my father raised me to stand strong, head held high no matter what the circumstances are.

so I will never back down. I will make him proud. I promise..

1st of May. his birthday. Allah, please give me strength to visit him at his home. I missed him so much..I missed him so much..


bercakap tentang ketakutan, ramai orang ada phobia mereka masing-masing.

takut hantu, labah-labah, air, ketinggian..etc

aku? aku termasuk salah seorang yang takut pada banyak benda..

takutkan tikus, gelap, laut dalam, petir, hantu..and banyak la lagi..

tapi....baru-baru ni aku discover yang aku ni mempunyai satu ketakutan yang baru...

iaitu ketakutan kepada.........


kalau takut sempit claustrophobia. takut tinggi acrophobia. takutkan twitter? titewphobia? err whateverrrr :p

A reminder

kena tambah parameter? redha je.

kena repeat test yang sama hari-hari sampai nak buat test dah tak payah tengok procedure lagi? knew it by heart already? redha je.

sampel tak cukup nak run test? redha je.

result test tak pernah cantik? redha je. redha.

:) apa perlu gundah. apa perlu meroyan, naik status kat facebook bagai. kalau tension hadap lah Tuhan. pinta pada Tuhan. kalau sedih carilah Tuhan. menangis depan Tuhan. apa guna minta pada manusia? menagih kasih manusia? 

kejar cinta manusia, manusia akan mati. tapi Allah pulak akan sentiasa ada. turn to Him. He's always here. :)


alkisah di sebuah kaunter ppsp..

aku : salam cik ##. saya nak bagi borang order bahan kimia baru. err sebab kena tambah parameter baru

cik ## : oo k2. sapa ya ppsp kamu?

aku : puan ##. dengar cerita dia tak sihat cuti seminggu ye cik. nak tanya la jadi kami ni macam mana? ada ppsp lain yang gantikan puan ## ke? sebab minggu ni saya ingat nak order barang.

cik ## : yang tu saya tak tau (angkat bahu). kitorang yang lain ni pon sumenye busy. so memang tak boleh nak buat apa la.

aku : diam sentap

cik ## : (sedar telah memwatkan aku diam sentap) bukan tak tau, tapi memang tak boleh buat apa. sebab dia cuti sakit.

aku : (demi memelihara keamanan sejagat) oh kalau camtu takpelah cik ##. time kasehh yee.

O_o concern. even if it doesnt concerns you, try to at least give a decent answer. even if you dont care, act like you care. this is all soft skills. pffttt



baru 1 jam cecah KL. azam dah berkobar-kobar nak habiskan lab cepat. nak graduate on time. nak carik kerja gaji besor.

balik tido ngan mak. tengok wajah tua mak. peluk mak time mak tido. dalam lubuk hati tau bila-bila masa Allah boleh tarik balik semua tu.

jadi sekarang boleh jalan dengan semua masalah. aku nak jadi positip. by the end of this month. result MDA, GSH, SOD, AOPP, FRAP, GST, HISTO and PROTEIN. semua kena complete.

kalau tak tercapai dek akalku, saksi-saksi sekelian. SILA HUMBANKAN AKU KE DALAM LOBANG PENUH TIKUS (bukan Sprague Dawley atau Wistar tapi Rattus Domesticus)

sekian, amigo

A Wake Up Call

semakin dewasa usia kita, ada perkara-perkara yang kita tak boleh lari dari menghadapinya..

hilang orang tersayang.

masalah dalam hubungan.

masalah kerja.

masalah kewangan.

semua perkara yang boleh buat kita hilang pedoman. hilang iman kalau kita tak waspada.

aku pernah lalui semuanya.

aku pernah terjebak dalam rasa keterputus asaan. even sekarang pun, kadang-kadang bila hati rapuh, perasaan tak elok tu akan datang balik. time tu mula la fikir benda-benda merepek. rasa tak semangat nak teruskan hidup. rasa nak lari dari semua ni, pergi tempat baru yang tak ada orang boleh kenal aku. nak berenti belajar.. and banyak lagi perasaan-perasaan lain yang tak elok.

bila dah jadi macam ni, time tu memang aku dah tak fikir baik buruk dah. erti redha. erti menyerahkan hidup pada Allah. erti bersabar. semua dah tak bermakna pada aku.

yang aku tau, salahkan takdir. kenapa aku diuji seberat ni. kenapa orang lain boleh gembira time aku sedih. tak ada orang boleh paham ke yang aku pon perlukan seseorang untuk tolong aku berdiri balik. aku tak boleh hadapi semua ni sorang-sorang. kalau aku kat tempat diorang, aku tak akan pernah tinggalkan aku. tak boleh ke orang paham yang diam aku bukan bermakna aku tak nak bercakap-cakap. yang pengasingan aku bukan bermakna aku nak bersendiri. yang aku perlukan seseorang untuk dakap aku bila aku menangis. bantu aku dengan harapan tentang janji-janji dari Allah. tentang makna ujian dari Allah. tapi tak ada. aku hadapi semua yang berlaku sendiri. aku belajar bertatih sendiri.  and when all of these unpretty feelings welled up, I get angry so easily. aku marah dengan orang sekeliling. aku hilang respek dengan semua orang. aku jadi defensive. aku dah tak kisah pasal nak jaga hati orang lain. apa aku peduli pasal perasaan orang kalau orang lain tak pernah pon nak peduli perasaan aku? jujur, inilah yang bermain dalam kepala aku bila emosi tengah tak betul. bila aku tengah selfish. bila aku dah sampai bottom line. bila perasaan tengah goyah, syaitan pun akan membisikkan benda-benda yang makin buat hati kita fragile.

benda-benda ni berlaku bila aku lupa. bila aku hilang pedoman. bila aku hilang iman. kadang-kadang aku rindu suasana masa sekolah. pengisisan aku terjaga. setiap masa ada taman-taman syurga. solat berjemaah terjaga. hubungan dengan Allah jadi benda yang utama. bila nak exam, makin hampir hati aku dengan Dia. Al-Quran, usrah, taman syurga, doa, hadith nabi, ma'thurat, Al-Mulk setiap malam. Subhanallah ketika tu hati ni tak pernah rasa kosong. tapi sekarang ni, makin hari makin aku lupakan semua amalan tu.

aku rindu nak berada dalam kelompok orang-orang yang rindukan Allah. aku rindu dengan perasaan tenang duduk dalam surau setiap kali azan berkumandang. aku rindu dengan tahajjud. dengan salam dan pelukan erat tanda kasih sayang sesama ukhti. aku rindu dengan puasa setiap hari Isnin dan Khamis.

aku rindu dengan rasa rindu kepada-Nya. aku rindukan rasa cinta kepada-Nya. aku rindu kan DIA. terlalu lalu rindu..

a wake up call. semoga rasa ini akan buat aku tak terus lupa lagi. Allahu Allah..Tuhan yang Maha membolak-balikkan hati, tetapkan hati ini pada agamMu. pada cinta kepadaMu. pada dakwah di jalanMu..Amin ya Rabb

Al-Fatihah untuk ayah dan umi Qaimatul Fatima..


nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges

nak bawak mak pindah oversea

nak berenti buat lab

nak pukul orang

nak marah orang

nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges nak nanges

too much pressure!

points of authority

some people. they just have it all.
never tasted the feeling of losing a family.
never being poor.
never carries a painful memory. painful, heartbreaking memories that keeps hitting back at times.
never have to struggle just to be happy.
never reach the point where you think living life is pointless.

they had it all.
born with it.
gifted with everything.

some people.
they just would never understands anything..

What is it with us?

Sometimes it occurred to me, what is it that's so important with the lab results that I had to go to the lab and conducting various (tedious, unproductive, insignificant) tests every single day? (saturdays and sundays included)

What is it that's so important about the thesis that I'd to pour out every single ounce of my energy and time writing about everything, when at the end of the day the only person who I truly knew would read it all, sentence by sentence, word by word, paragraph by paragraph is only ME?

What is it about going to classes when all I'm going to do is forget about everything I learned by the time the class ended?

What is it about taking examinations when it only makes me read the notes and understands them all for the SOLE reason of getting good marks and only good marks?

What is it with going to university for four years when I already knew there wouldn't be any decent jobs waiting for me by the time I graduates and that the only way for me to survive and to secure my position in the hideous world of job competition is to continue studying years by years until all my facial collagen dries out of my skin?

And what is it with the people. The more they become knowledgeable, the more proud they became. I mean seriously, what's up with that?

And what is it with me anyway?

Did I chose the wrong course? Or rather, did I chose the wrong way of living?

If this is not the place where I belong to, then where am I supposed to go? There's so much questions and yet there's no suitable answer that I can think of. I cannot answer all of that, because the knowledge is beyond me. However in my heart I do know that there could only be ONE possible explanation for all of this insecurity I felt. That is to


"Say not that You have iman, rather say that you are Muslim, for iman has not yet entered your hearts." (49:14)

Repent. It's still not too late :'( Allahu..


semakin dekat dengan tarikh akhir, makin aku malas nak setelkan kerje2 lab.

ada lagi 7 control kena test. setiap control ada 6 parameter. 6x7 = 42 test O_0

ada 8 sample treatment kena test. 8x6 = 48 test O_O

42 + 48 = 90 TESTs.

histo lagi.....

bolehke aku grad ni..sobsob


gawddd, some people can be so sickeningly annoying.

ingat kau hebat sangat lah nak condemn2 kan orang lain. nak anggap orang-orang yang kurang berilmu ni macam some kind of an unsignificant lowly life. a parasite. sesuka hati kepala hotak kau je nak berkate-kate. sedar diri tu sikit. berpijak kat bumi yang nyata. kau tu manusia sahaja. akal Allah beri. ilmu Allah bagi. umur dah lanjut, konon pengalaman banyak tapi pengalaman nak deal dengan manusia lain secare berintegriti tak setara even bila di compare dengan budak belum mumaiyiz pon.

jangan sampai Allah tarik balik nikmat ilmu tu. ilmu yang ada untuk dikongsi. bukan untuk dibangga-bangga ke sana sini mengata memandang hina pada orang yang kau anggap tak sekufu dengan kau. Haktuih dengan kau punye perangai!! zero point zero zero zero RESPECT towards lu!!!

strangest thing had happened

being a final year student..
sure changes everything.

exhibit #1 it never occurred to me that one day I could feel ever reluctant to go hang out with friends during weekends, and it certainly never occurred to me that I could feel so reluctant to go back home. these thoughts had never ever crossed my mind before. and yet, I'm feeling those right now. gosh, this is so weird o_o

exhibit #2 I sometimes wish that I could just sleep, or even better, live in the lab, and work my experiments, so that no time is wasted having to go back and forth from home to the faculty everyday. ouh,  this is double weird O_o

exhibit #3 I would wake up at 7.30 a.m (sleeping back after subuh, of course) and would feel extremely guilty for wasting the precious time that I feel would be better used spending it doing the lab works, by not sleeping in, and by waking up earlier than the first bird awaken.

exhibit #4 I walk to lab everyday. I spend my energy doing lab works all day. I take the stairs everyday. I killed the rats two days in a row. I do overtime everyday. and I ate only 2 times a day. SO.
....why am I still NOT THIN?

... this is definitely the weirdest thing of 'em all O_O eeeppp!!!


sometimes I was so annoyed with other things that unknowingly I let it out on others..

I'm so sorry I was so rude to you sis..

everything I said, everything you heard coming from me, I didn't meant it that way..

I'm so sorry..I'm so sorry..I'm so sorry. really. I'm so sorry

I was having a hard time, and I forgot it wasn't only me who had to deal with the loss..everyone in our family is. I see everyone else in the family are going strong, and I never thought that it is actually not true.

I was being selfish. it's just that, nowadays I get irritated so easily. I guess it's because I had this complicated emotions whirling inside me, afraid to let it out. don't know to whom I ought to spill it to. I am angry because I feel empty. I feel irritated because no one understands me. and when I get those feelings, I let the anger out on the ones who's the most closest to me. you.

but I never meant it the way I said it..I'm so so sorryyy Along...

pointless tuesday

ubat tidor awal...

ignore the background's messiness

p/s : this unknown entity is actually a Cadbury drinking chocolate..

*ubat tidor awal jela. ubat bangun tidor awal? belum dicipta rasanya..  hola!

stuffs from here and there

sekarang ni..

dah officially boleh berenti meroyan. theehihihihihi *gelak mengekeh berpanjangan*

you're mine now!! mine!! *penantian menyebabkan sakit mental* (anyway ignore kesemakan dalam background)

Selingan : what would you expect to find in lung histology? alveolus? wrong. bronchus? wrong. goblet cell? naah wrong again.

the correct answer is.. *drums rolling* testis cell. *TRUE STORY*

here's the proof.
this one's at larger magnification. see the sperm cells at the centre? told ya I'm telling the truth.
GOD, histology 101 is soooo hilarious! what could be more random than this?? o(><)o hohoho~


Name : Iman
Age : 17 ++++ years old
Hobby/ies : Sleep
Interest/s : Handsome guy. Rich guy. Money. and Books. (To conclude, I desire a handsome rich husband who owns a bookstore)
Motto/s : "Sleeping can discards all the troubles away". and "Reference books are not worth buying".
Ambition : To stop growing old. And to own a Munchkin cat.

here, kitty kitty

the noisy reader? eh?

sometimes I'm glad that I had a blog. it's like hitting two birds with one stone. I can spit out my crazy thoughts for the world to read, and yet, no one would dare, or even care, to give comments. (not that I give a damn about it, although yes, I do despise silent reader to the core, muhaha).

well, no one, except for this one person. LOL

the power of editing, muhahaha

thanks for being my blog's one and only loyal commentator (though even I rarely commented on yours, big apology!)

and above all, thanks for being a wonderful friend.

my words may not reflect how much I appreciated you (like today, LOL, please don't take it to heart dear) but deep down, you will always be my kesayangan. (haktuii) touchy right? hohohoiii

love ya lots beb! and let's hope we could finish our lab work as planned and graduates, and then sleep until we got job offer from JPA, or until (fingers crossed!) some hot and rich guy ask for our hand in marriage, hahaha. xoxo

till then~

The hormone has been rid! Hi it's me!

I love it when no one else is around in the lab. Coz that means I can turn on my music playlist as loud as I want and watch movies (while waiting for incubation period) and move freely (I can even run around in there!) and use the equipment all by myself, no queuing and everything. And beyond all these, there's also no longer the pressure of having the outcast feeling, like I was in Beijing or something, when in fact I realized that I am still very well in Malaysia and had never even remembered taking a plane and fly to that region before (this is the most subtle sentence that could think of). I feel free! I feel sooo comfortable!

And to add to these great feelings, the lab results that I obtained are also PURR-FECT!! I tell you, there's absolutely NOTHING that could beat this great feeling. A wonderful R square on the first experiment! even Anand told me it was a big thing! gosh, I feel so happy :D Alhamdulillah!

MDA test in progress..

doing MDA, is absolutely tiring. it took almost 3 straight hours to complete every sets. I'm doing triplicate and plus the time spent on preparing reagents, all in all everything were finished at 7.30 pm (I started working from 10.30 am). thank God I'd managed to NOT burn down the lab. (since every lecturers and PPSP had scared us with that student-doing-MDA-and-forgot-to-turn-off-the-bunsen-burner-and-end up-having-to-climb-in-from-the-window-to-save the lab-from-burning-down story, I was being extra careful with the thing). the trick is to IMPROVISE. like in the picture above, see what's basing the tripod stand? and the bunsen burner? if the flame was too close it would burn the wire gauze. so I figured I had to make the stand taller and thus increasing the distance between the flame and the gauze, and end up doing this. lol, doing experiments is all about being creative. we're like the artist of the lab, though I'm not so sure how true that sentence is.

but anyway, standard curve for today is AWESOME and I thank Allah for blessing me with this. Alhamdulillah, and may I not forget to say the word and thank Him for everything He'd given to me, every single second of everyday again. :) until then.

Le tissue eater

Before this, I was at war with the spectrophotometer. the blue one, specifically. but then we get tired cursing at each other (not at each other, actually, it's more like a one-sided argument, since spectrophotometer couldn't curse back at you. I mean, if it does, I won't be living until now to blog about this, well, since I would die of heart attack upon seeing that, or die from shock, like they said, oh whatever, the point is, that thing is a bloody machine. everyone knows that, so basically, this explanation is actually pointless. and ridiculous. and wasting space. period.) and had come to an agreement that both of us should take a break from each other for a while and focus on other things that are equally important as doing whatever I was doing with that thing back then.

but now, the enemy has changed.

there is no more spectrophotometer..

it is now me against the MICROTOME.

With the power bestowed upon me by the Lord of Instruments (I know it sounds lame, couldn't figure any grand name in a short time), I hereby declare a WAR against you, Mista Microtome! muhahaha! Fear me! For I will hunt you down and tear off your skin, Masak Satayyy~~!

..stupid microtome. why you no let me cut the tissues easily. then we both would be happy. and live happily ever after. in a country called Far Far Away. huhuhu...

*this is the hormone blogging.  Again...apparently.*
hormone signing out~

angry ME

Internet. Search engine.

Most of the times they are prove to be helpful (like giving ways to hack IDM and solve issues regarding someone's external hard drive and saving me from having to replace it with a new one and had to live with the guilt  for my entire life, for example.)

But seriously. Sometimes they are nothing but just a pain in the neck. (the Internet, I mean, not the external hard drive).

This, is happening, when a certain someone find it hard to hold onto her patience anymore

Who says us the new generation had a more easier life compared to our teachers before?? Who says finding the information nowadays is as easy as clicking away on the keyboard?? I dont know bout you lots but me, me had to click the keyboard for 3 hours every night just for a piece of information, and even after a long 3 hours clicking and typing every word ever existed, me still ain't getting any! the information I mean! so! do not blame us if we couldn't complete our thesis! you hear that? okay? coz it's all the internet's fault. blame it on it instead.

*this is the hormone's blogging*

blood borne disease

you know you're an adult when..

..bickering with your siblings doesn't involves silly and childish stuffs anymore.. T_T

hopefully a good night sleep can shake all these troubles off my shoulders.. zzZZzzZZzzz~

holiday spirit!

Alhamdulillah ..

was feeling a little bit down when the day started..

but this cute "candy" had managed to put a smile back to this face ^^,

thank you lab partners! :D thank you so soo much! didnt expect it coming at all! hee~

this is the first time I've ever feel unwilling to eat oranges..coz they're too adorable! :D hola!

p/s : must...remember...to get them..presents...and take...pictures...together...before the sem...ends...ugh

online shopping?? nahh

not a while ago i won myself a bid at this one website who works like e-bay. you can practically auction your stuffs or products here and sell them online.

I was just strolling around the ads when I found a very interesting offer. The Hunger Games Trilogy : 3 in 1 Complete Set of Collection. at sale for RM 12.90 only. and I was like, what the heckk!


so, without thinking, I clicked on the offer and went through all the procedures to get my hand on this stuffs. then the next day, I got reply from the seller telling me I won the bid. and that I need to follow so and so instructions to complete our deal.

and believe me I was about to do so. I'd copied this man's bank account and everything, filled in the online form, check my own bank account balance. then it just occurred to me : what kind of a sane person who would sell 3 books, not to mention all brand new, to other people with a super duper cheap price?? at that time I was almost sure I'd been conned. but then it occurred to me again, what kind of a sane bad person who would cheat only a very, tiny sums of money from other people? I mean, if you were to cheat, you gotta cheat it big dude. otherwise there's not so much to gain, especially if you got caught doing it afterwards (not that I'm encouraging anyone to do it).

soo yeah, after much contemplating, i went back to the site. and helloo, looked what I found. maan, of course the man could sell it cheap. that things he was selling ain't no novels at all dude, they're freaking e-books! e-books in pdf format! and I was like, the heckkk, I could download dozens of them for RM 0.00000000!

so then, yeah. morals of the story : if you need to buy your favorite books so very badly, don't rush it. wait till you get your baucar buku :)

p/s : hey, maybe I could auction my journals too?? if 3 pdf costs about RM 12, then if I could sell all of them, then, then (doing calculations)..hey, I could be the new Richie Rich!  I'm gonna be a pdf multimillionaireee~~ hollaaa~! :D


nowadays 24 hours seem not enough.. what with so many things to do, so many standard curves to finish, so many methods need to be understand.. (which my brain failed to do lately)

sometimes I enjoy it, but there will be times when I wont. sigh

now feel not so sure about my initial intention to further studies.

lets just face it. when you feel down, the only people that you wanted around you is always a family. but unfortunately, those people are 200km away from you. to get to them is not a very smart thing to do, not if you have tons of things waiting to be finished. but Allah, what do I do? I really really wanted my mummy right now :'(  :'( and I feel so sad when other people talked about their own dads..because that really really makes me feel lonely. it reminded me that I dont have one anymore. Allah, what do I do? I missed him so much too..

maafkan ila ayah..

today's the eleventh day since we met 2013.

tahun baru.
tahun pertama tanpa ayah..

life still feel weird at some point. where when i got back home, there's no more car parked in the garage. no one watching the late night 11 pm news at RTM1 everyday. no one would laugh out loud when watching Boboy and The Woody Woodpecker Show. no familiar voice would azan from the nearby surau comes subuh and maghrib time. no more strong arms that would caress my cheek everytime I kissed his hand. and there's a lot more to no more.

the thing is, everything still feels weird. it is too weird that sometimes if I missed those things, i would force myself to believe that he's still alive. I have to. or else it would feel weird. it would make me feel super lonely

ila mintak maaf sebab sekarang bila balik ila tak pergi pun lawat ayah lagi. bukan ila tak rindu. bukan ila dah lupakan ayah. tapi ila takut air mata ila mengalir lagi. ila tak nak dengan tumpahnya air mata tu akan buatkan hati ila jadi tak redha dengan pemergian ayah. mak kata jangan nangis kat kubur ayah. mak kata bila kita nangis nanti ayah lagi sedih, ayah lagi tersiksa. tapi ila tak berdaya nak halang. ila cuba tak nak nangis tapi bila nampak je batu nisan ayah air mata mengalir tak henti-henti.

ila tak boleh lupa hari diorang turunkan ayah ke dalam liang lahad tu. kalau along tak pegang ila dah peluk jasad ayah, ila nak pergi sama dengan ayah. ila tak rela orang bawak turun ayah. timbus ayah dengan tanah.

sebab tu ila tak pergi kubur ayah lagi. setiap kali pergi ila teringat hari tu. ila tak nak jadi hamba Allah yang tak redha. hakikatnya ila masih cuba belajar untuk redha dengan pemergian ayah. mak boleh redha, sedangkan mak hilang suami, hilang tempat bergantung, ila cuma hilang ayah. jadi sepatutnya ila jadi lebih kuat dari mak. jadi kuat untuk mak.

hari-hari doa dan fatihah ila tak lupa untuk ayah. tapi ada juga masa, ada juga hari ila rasa malas nak berdoa. nak sedekahkan fatihah untuk ayah. maafkan ila ayah. ayah dah didik ila dengan cukup, tapi iman ila yang masih tak kukuh lagi. bukan ila tak sayang ayah, tapi nafsu ila sendiri yang buatkan tindakan ila kadang-kadang tak melambangkan ciri-ciri muslimah yang sejati. betul lah orang kata, iman tak boleh nak diwarisi. tapi satu yang ila tahu, ila mewarisi keteguhan semangat ayah untuk sentiasa cuba berubah. berubah ke arah yang lebih baik.

ayah tolong maafkan ila.
sampai satu masa bila ila tak menangis lagi, ila akan melawat ayah semula.

“ Maka terputus amal anak adam selepas mati melainkan tiga perkara: Sedekah jariah, Ilmu yang bermanfaat dan doa anak-anak yang soleh.” Hadith Riwayat Muslim.

semoga Allah redha..

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