DaLaM hAtI aDa TaMAn

There's this one remark that he used to said everytime this day comes. oh we could never forget that. "bila hari jadi ayah satu Malaysia cuti. satu Malaysia sambut hari jadi ayah." then he would laughed heartily after saying that. those laughter. those smiles, that I rarely could see when I was still very little. 

when the three of us were still very small, ayah is the person whom we're very scared off. back then, in our innocent views, he was this one man who would scolds us even for the slightest mistake. as far as I could remember, I was so scared of him. so scared to even talk directly to him during the early years of my life. but my brother and sister told me otherwise. they said that I was his favourite. that I was always his favorite. in some critical situations where it involved us three getting ourselves into trouble, he would always spared me. favored me, and scolded my brother and sister instead. they told me that occurred often. that I had been his favorite child ever since the day I was born. but back then, since I was still so scared of him, I didnt appreciate it much.

Then this favorite child of his grew up. I went to boarding school to further my secondary education. still remember what my mom told me the first week I was gone from home. "ayah sekarang ni dah kurang ceria. banyak termenung je dik kat rumah. lepas ni adik rajin-rajin telefon rumah tau. ayah asyik tanya mak je budak kecik tak telefon ke? budak kecik bila balik? budak kecik apa khabar?" being an ignorant budak kecik at that time, I still couldnt feel his genuine love for me. I thought oh maybe that's mom's trick to make me call home more often. because during that time, because of the lack of communications, lack of interactions we had had, and because of the rebellious hormone that is growing inside of me, I feel that he never loved me. never really cared for me. I even feel that he hasnt make an effort to act like a father to me. (And I know now, that I was wrong. I was damn wrong about that). being a sulky, spoil brat, selfish teenager, that was what I felt during that time.

but after that, years after years passed..

I didnt actually recall what had happened..what happened in between.. but our relationships grew better. we shared the same interests. we talked about a lot of things..somehow, but unknowingly, he seems more approachable to me then he was when I was still a child. probably because of the maturity I'd gained, or because I realized that there's not much time to waste because I know that day by day, I'm getting older, and so does my parents.

I'd prepared myself for this. for a loss in case it's coming. what's with my mom's accident that occured on the very same week. everything that's been going on during that week made me think of the future losses that I might have to face. I knew it will happen someday. and I remember thinking to myself that if that were to happen when I'm still alive, I would embrace it well. because they are only returning to their Creator. these people, these love of my hearts, were never even mine to begin with. so why I have to be so sad when it does happen? it will only sadden them more, hurt them more, seeing us wailing, crying for them to come back, when we very well know that that aint gonna happen. 

THEN IT HAPPENS. 

at first I couldnt even cry.

I was the last person who sees him.

who hold him.

who talked to him. his last few words..

were meant for me.

and I was the first to arrive at the mortuary. alone.

to me the doctors told me what causes his being gone.

I was the first one to know. the first one to reach him. and I was alone. 

those are the memories. the feelings that struck me like lightning every once in a while. the memories that I told some people I wanted to forget. to erase forever. 

NOT THE MEMORIES OF LOSING HIM. BUT THE MEMORIES OF BEING ALL ALONE. WAITING. WAITING FOR NOTHING. THE MEMORIES OF FEELING HELPLESS.

it fears me a lot. it scared the hell out of me. until now. even now. that one hour of waiting for him to come out, knowing that there's no more of him...nothing could compare to that.

and today is his birthday. he should be saying that favorite sentence of his all over again. but this year he wont. forever he wont.


Al-Fatihah. Tenanglah. Damailah. Berbahagialah ayah di sana. In Shaa Allah, budak kecik dekat sini akan terus berusaha untuk kejar syurga Allah. untuk dapat jumpa dengan ayah semula. cinta ini untuk Allah. rindu ini untuk Allah. cinta untuk ayah ini kerana Allah. rindu pada ayah ini juga kerana Allah :')